Dear Date guy..

I was in love with this guy for over a year now .. An I mean true love.. at least from myside!
oneday he said that he can’t be with me.. he even cryed to me on the phone and said : sorry but I can’t do it .. ( afraid of commitment he then confessed..)
I can’t see to get over it .. all his promises . all our plans .. all the love.. every word every touch ..
I can’t stop crying and i can’t have a minute of happiness , I wanna be myself again .. wanna get over it .. how do they do that???
its my first love.. and am 24 years old now

please tell me how to get over it .. how to be happy and normal again?

First off, sorry to hear about your situation. A broken heart is something we all go through at one point or another and is one of the most anguishing experiences we can have. But keep that in mind, that EVERYONE has their heart broken and EVERYONE eventually gets over it. As will you.

In the short term, your best bet first and foremost is to let go of any thoughts you may have of getting back together with this guy. I know it’s easy to want to think that he’ll “come to his senses” but the reality is that the longer you hold on to that hope, the longer and stronger you will hurt. So immediately accept the reality of the situation and know that YOU will be moving on.

Second, keep in mind that for the most part every day will get a tad bit easier. You may have your set backs here and there, but overall the more time that passes the better off you’ll be. The saying “time heals all wounds” actually holds true as one day you will find out.

Third, don’t take it personal. I’ve broken up with tons of girls and most of them had absolutely nothing wrong with them. At the end of the day, I just wasn’t ready to be fully committed and unfortunately I broke things off with many outstanding ladies. I look back at most of them now and have nothing but the utmost respect for them. They weren’t the ones “broken,” I was.

Forth, use this time to challenge yourself, rebuild yourself. Here is the perfect opportunity to make yourself a better person than you were while you were dating this guy.

Lastly, have faith. Know that things happen for a reason. Yes, it’s so easy to say and so hard to believe in times like these but trust me, it’s true. You may have thought that this guy was the perfect person for you, forever. But there will come a day that someone better suited for you will come into your life and make you even happier than you were before. Pretty much every girl that I dumped shortly moved on and ended up with guys who really know how to take care of them and showed them the love that I ultimately did not. At the end of the day, they were the ones who ended up better off than I. There I was, single for years and all of my ex’s were completely happy in healthy relationships. I actually was a bit jealous.

So know that you will get over this hurt, there is no doubt. You’ll have to ride out the pain, there is no doubt. But one day, just like all of us have, you’ll look back and it will be a distant memory. You’ll actually forget what the hurt felt like.

My biggest advice, just take it day by day. Every day that passes is a small victory.

Cheers,

The Date Guy

Date Guy,

I was dating this guy off and on for about three months and then I found out I was pregnant. He took the news well and asked me to move in. I lived with him for about two months and just the other day we got into a huge fight and he dumped me. We have only fought about three times throughout our relationship but every time we do, he dumps me. Also, we fight via text message because he never will call or come home if we are fighting. I’m going threw a stressful time and am very upset. I believe he isn’t really ready for a committed relationship if he continues to dump me whenever we fight. He made me move out of his house so now I’m living with my parents and we aren’t talking. He is just so confusing and I’m so hurt. He acts, however, like he doesn’t care at all. He told he would be a good dad to baby and I know he will. I need him too though. Please help.

It sounds like your guy tried “to do the right thing” by having you move in, likely for the sake of your baby. Unfortunately his habit of breaking up with you when you fight is definitely a sign that he’s not ready for a true commitment. The good news here is that you’ve only been dating this guy for about six months it sounds like, so it’s not as if you’re married of have a long and deep history to overcome.

The most important piece of advice I can give you is that through this rough period you must do one thing first and that is to focus all of your energies into the human being that you will be bringing into this crazy world of ours. At this point your current relationship with your boyfriend (ex-boyfriend) needs to take a back seat as it is secondary in importance. I know you are probably thinking, “but he’s my baby’s father” and you’re right, but for him to be the best father possible it sounds like he’s going to need some space for a while. The last thing you want to do at this point is drive this guy away completely. Obviously he’s not that interested in the relationship between the two of you right now. You’re going to have to weather that storm. What you want to do is make sure that by the time you have your baby that this guy actually embraces the role of fatherhood.

When guys are stressed out (which having a baby will do to someone) the last thing they want is to deal with working on romantic relationships. You girls actually do the opposite and prefer to have a guy there through the rough times. Sometimes guys just want to be left alone in order to deal with the stress. Having to work out the issues with you may be even more stressful to him.

In summary, you ultimately want to make sure your child has a father in his life. You may not be able to have this guy as a husband, but you can do your best to make the relationship go as smoothly as possible. For now give him some space, focus your heart on your baby. And hopefully by the time you are ready to deliver, this guy will be by your side supporting the two of you.

Cheers,
The Date Guy

Hi Date Guy,

Im a 37 year old female in a high powered job. I also have company that I just started. I was introduced to a mortgage broker 5 months ago by an older acquaintance. From the start I wanted to be just friends with him coz some things i didnt like: he was physically aggressive by our second date and this continued and it had the effect of turning me off - we havent slept together. Also he just didnt strike me as someone who really cared about me. He’s let slip that im a bit overweight and on another occasion said i was boring. He has been abrasive and impatient with me on occasion.

Now the housing market has bust and he’s looking for ways to make money, he has asked if there is anything he can do to help out my company. silly me, i had been prattling to him about it. Interspersed with that are comments about us having children and shared values, as well as comments about how im more accomplished than he is. The thing is I have a history of one bad relationship where i was taken advantage of and a history of child abuse. The last thing I need is another bad situation. I do like this guy and eventually told him about the abuse, but because of how he behaved before i told him i dont feel comfortable with him anymore. Now he wants to be involved with me financially. Im confused as to what to do next.

Thank you,
Fados

Dear Fados,

Even if you think the rest of my advice is crap, heed this: Do not, I repeat, do not get financially involved with this loser. I’ve had girls purposely leave behind items over at my place to insure that they could stay in touch with me after I slept with them. This would work in some regards as it would then take me a couple of weeks to completely phase them out. This would be doing the same thing, just with money. You get involved with this guy financially and it could take you years until he’s out of your life.

Everything you have written about this guy spell L.O.S.E.R. He’s aggressive, abrasive, impatient, you don’t feel like he cares about you, and he’s called you fat and boring. Yeah, yeah, I can hear you saying that deep down inside he’s a nice guy. Don’t defend him as his actions speak volumes about his true nature. He treats you like crap on a personal level, do you really think he’d respect a monetary relationship with you?

So the big question is how do you let this guy know that you aren’t going to extend your relationship? You need to use the same intelligence and ambition you have obviously used to become a successful business women and entrepreneur. Think of this purely as a business decision. Would you hire an employee who wasn’t a good fit for you company? Would you invest in a product that was not profitable? Of course not. You need to be strong and straightforward with this guy. Simply tell him that you have found it best to not mixed business with friendship. There you go, that kills two birds with one stone. That single statement lets him know that you don’t want to get involved with him financially AND that you are not interested in a romantic relationship. Don’t be surprised if he stops coming around once he knows that he won’t be getting any action or money from you.

Stand stong and think with your head, not your heart,

-Date Guy

Just thought you girls might want to hear what some men’s magazines recommend when it comes time for a guy to break up with a girl. Here are some conflicting views from from AskMen.com and Maxim Magazine. One view is a bit kinder and more respectful approach than the other. I’m sure you’ll have no problem figuring out which one it is. Which one would you prefer if you were getting dumped? Personally, I recommend a combination of the two.

We’ll start with AskMen.com:

1. Make her the first to know. Out of respect for her, never tell your friends you’re going to break up before telling her it’s over. It’s a simple thing women consider sacred. (I don’t agree. Friends are great confidants and might be able to offer you advice or give you the support you need to go through with it. I don’t understand how this would be disrespectful to the girl.)
2. Find a neutral zone. It’s not fair to end the relationship at your place, nor should you be forced to see a picture of you and her hugging on her fridge. (I disagree here as well. If it an emotional break up, she’ll feel even worse if she breaks down in public. Better to leave the tears at home where she is more comfortable. And definitely don’t do it at your place, you could have a hell of a time getting her to leave.)
3. End it in person. If you’ve lost that loving feeling, be courteous and tell her face-to-face. (I agree. Email, phone, and text message may be ok…if you’re 11 years old.)
4. Keep it simple. There’s no need to put her through the history of your decision to break up. She does deserve an explanation, but save her the long-winded reasons of exactly why and how things went sour. (Agreed. The longer you talk the more ammo she’ll have to get you to change your mind.)
5. Get her to see your point of view. You’re probably not the only one that’s been feeling the relationship going downhill. A dose of reality might be just what the doctor ordered to get her to accept what it is you need to say — and do — about it. A good way to get her to understand why you and she aren’t best suited for one another is through a simple example. (No, no, no. For example, what if one of the reasons you want to break up with her is because she is lousy in bed? How could telling her this be of benfit to either of you?)
6. Don’t change your mind. There’s a big reason why you made the decision to confront her with the end of your relationship, be sure and stick to your guns even if she cries. Remember, you wanted to stop dating her for a reason. (Agreed, 100%)
7. Be ready for tears. Whether she’s glad you said something or not, chances are tears will be shed. Ending a relationship can bring intense emotion and she’s not about to save you from seeing it all pour out at once. When she does start to cry, be sympathetic but don’t be drawn in by an overflow of powerful emotion. Be an emotional rock. (Maybe. I’m on the fence with this one. If you throw a couple of tears in there yourself, she may let you off the hook a little easier.)
8. Have an exit strategy. Make sure to have plans set with friends later that day. This will ensure that the breakup process isn’t dragged on longer than necessary and that you’re not alone if you feel bad about what just happened. (Agreed. I would suggest making plans with family, not friends. Ditching her so you can hang with your buds may be a bit callous in her view. However, if you have to meet up with mom and dad for dinner at a certain time it will be more difficult for her to be upset with you for cutting out.)

And what does an article from Maxim Magazine recommend? Read the rest of this entry »

Hi Date Guy,

My question is basically about commitment. I’ve been dating this guy for 5 months. We met, had great chemistry, it was fantastic. We’re temporarily in different cities, so we’ve been keeping in touch via Internet. But, he is planning on moving back to this area soon. So, I thought everything was going okay and was surprised when he recently said he was sorry, but he wanted to let things cool down. He felt too invested with me and felt that it wasn’t fair to me to keep up like we have been because recently he’s been feeling interested in other women. He’s in a transitional stage in his life, he’s under a lot of stress lately, yada yada. Then, he actually finally did articulate that he’s afraid of commitment.

I have been thinking about it a lot, though… I hear ‘fear of commitment’ all the time, but I wonder if it actually exists. I’ve know of people who’ve broken up with their partner and insisted that they just aren’t ready to really commit to them. Then, these people will end up with committed with someone else in a matter of weeks! So, I feel like perhaps people just fear commitment when they don’t feel strongly enough for someone. But, when people meet the right person, their ‘fear’ of commitment disappears. So, I’ve just been thinking that I liked him more than he liked me and I just need to move on. (This is so hard for me, though… because this was the most incredible chemistry I’ve ever experienced. From what he had told me, he felt the same way. We had a great time). Now I can’t help but wonder: do you think people really pass up on promising relationships with people they truly like simply because of personal fear of commitment?

-Holle

Dear Holle,

You pose a very good question and you are right, “fear of commitment” is very often used as an explanation and justification for ending a relationship. And you are wise to understand that it is just that, an excuse and not a legitimate reason. Like you said, a guy will tell you that he isn’t ready to be in a committed relationship and then a few weeks later jump right into one with someone else. So let me tell you what’s going on the head of these kinds of guys.

First, for a guy the fear of commitment line is such a gem because it’s a hard one to argue against. As a society we have been conditioned (and somewhat backed by biology) that women yearn for committed relationships more so than men. And guys sure play off of that stereotype because after all, society has made it somewhat acceptable.

Second, when I told a girl that I had a fear of commitment, what I really meant was that I wanted to continue to see other girls (or at least have the option to do so in case the opportunity came about), not give up my free time and spend it with her, not have to spend a lot of money on her (unless I absolutely had to in order to keep you around for my needs), and to not have to be accountable for my actions. Basically I wouldn’t want to put in the effort that was expected of a true boyfriend girlfriend relationship. FYI, I would typically throw that line out there before I slept with the girl if I knew going into it that I wouldn’t want to see her long term. This helped easy my conscious because when the time came I would always fall back on, “she knew ahead of time that I didn’t want to be in a relationship.” But some guys aren’t as thoughtful as me and won’t reveal their “commitment” phobia until after they get some sex.

Third, addressing your remark about a guy telling you that he’s afraid of commitment, dumps you, and then gets in a committed relationship with another girl. It sounds very hypocritical, and it is. This action more than anything else proves that the commitment excuse is a load of crap. If a supermodel came up to him today and to be his girlfriend, do you think he’d says, “Sorry, I’m just have this fear of commitment and I’m under a lot of stress lately.” What it tells you is that simply YOU were the one he was afraid of committing to. And that could have been for a couple of reasons. Either you weren’t the right one for him completely, or you weren’t the right one for him at that time. Whichever the case, you as the girl cannot “fix” that or change his mind.

Girls, when you hear a guy tell you that he is afraid of commitment, run. Don’t try to rationalize it and feel like if you just wait around long enough that he will change his mind. When a guy finds a girl that he is really into, a girl that makes his heart skip a beat, he’ll never tell her that he has a fear of committing to her. It just doesn’t happen. What you can do is get out of the relationship immediately and move on. There is potential that down the road he may be ready to commit to you, but the odds are stacked against you and will only after he’s gotten everything out of his system.

So Holle, move on. Yes he told you that he shared the same chemistry you felt in the beginning, but now he’s trying to tell you in a “nice” way that he isn’t interested in dating you anymore. Maybe he’ll commit to the next girl he meets or maybe he’ll remain single for a while. Either way you can’t afford to stick around, and most of all, don’t read too much into it.

What have we learned ladies? The “fear of commitment,” like Big Foot, is an absolute myth. And you only believe it if you “want” to believe it. Instead open your eyes see it for what it is.This will save you a lot of precious time and energy and move you one step closer to meeting the right guy.

-The Date Guy