Dating advice for issues that involve Text Messages

Nasty Text Messages from “Just a Friend”?

Dear Date Guy,

I really hope you can help resolve my suspicions. . .me and my boyfriend have been dating for a year and we have decided to move in together everything has been going good he has not given me one reason to suspect he is cheating except until I found numerous text messages in his phone. . .I couldnt read them all because on his way to work he realized he left his phone and drove back home to get it; anywho the messages that I did read were sent by one of his female co-workers and ranged from “do you think im flirtatious”, “you need to come over while my baby is still asleep” and describing the sexual things she could do to him. when i confronted him he said it was nothing and that nothing happened, he has only been employed at his current job for about 1 and a half months, for some reason I dont believe that this is just a friendly, joking relationship as he makes it to be because when I asked to speak with the young lady he refused to give me her number because he said everyone at his job would know about it. . .but if its just a friendship why would all his co-workers know about it- – -very frustrated!

-Suspicious Girlfriend

Dear Suspicious Girlfriend,

First off, let me say your boyfriend is an amateur. Doesn’t he know that all communication from other females must be deleted immediately? This includes text messages, voicemails, photos, letters, and email communications. It’s simple guys, view it and delete it. Remember the saying “seeing is believing?” Well if she can’t see it (your evidence) than maybe she won’t believe it.

Oh wait, I’m supposed to be giving advice to girls, not guys. Ok, you say that since you have moved in with your boyfriend he hasn’t given you one reason to think he is cheating. If this is the case, why did you invade his privacy and check the text messages on his phone? Obviously he HAS done something before this to create some doubts in your mind, otherwise you wouldn’t have checked his phone.

So you want to know if this girl is “just a friend” as you boyfriend is claiming? I don’t know a whole lot of ladies that would send sexual text messages to a guy without some pre-existing flirting between the two. In the beginning of a relationship like this (especially when two people work together) there is a lot of subtle and innocent flirting, a feeling out period. But over time it will get more intense until you end up comfortable enough to talk about what you are going to do to one another in the sack. You don’t go directly from A to Z, there’s something happening there in the middle.

I’ve had a lot of female friends in my life, many of whom I wanted to sleep with. And with most of those relationship I received some level of flirtation from those girls (even the ones I didn’t end up in bed with). However, I have had a few very close female friends whom I’ve had absolutely zero romantic interest and from those girls I never received any flirtation. Why the difference? Because the girls that did flirt with me obviously picked up on a “vibe” and they knew that I was open to their advances. See what I’m getting at? If she had no interest in him romantically then she wouldn’t be flirting with him the way she is. And if he had no interest in her, she would likely pick up on that vibe and refrain from flirting with him. Sounds like neither one of these are the case right now and there is something that is encouraging the nasty text messages.

Maybe he has or maybe he hasn’t actually cheated on you, but that really isn’t the larger issue. There is a lack of trust on your part and a lack of respect on his part. At the end of the day, the relationship he has with this other girl is more than “just friends,” regardless of whether or not they have hooked up.

-The Date Guy

Match.com

Posted by admin in Cheating, Text Messages

When “Fishing” Doesn’t Mean Fishing

Dear Date Guy,

i have been living with my boyfriend for almost a year. we have had some difficulties, and it seems our arguments are never resolved..always the same thing coming back up. he has been more distant lately (not coming home when he says he will, spending more time with friends etc.) i did the wrong thing and went thru his phone a couple weeks ago. i found a text to his best friend that said how there were all these hot girls in one of these towns he works in…and the next one said, “god how i love girls, and oh how i hate my girlfriend”. i did confront him with this, apologizing for looking thru his phone and he denied what he wrote saying it was a joke and that i didn’t know what im talking about and thats what i get for going thru his phone. sooo….the other day i wnet thru again and he was working in the same town and i found another message to his same frined that said, “i don’t mean to sound like a broken record but there is so much #### out here…my heads getting so big with the amount of girls i have been talking to. we must come out here labor day weekend..for fishing of course.” now i didnt tell him i saw all this but i am so irrate and hurt and feel so disrespected. we had this same friend over for dinner the other nite and you can imagine how #### i felt thinking that my boyfriend sends him all these messages about other women. his friend must think i’m an idiot. i am considereing moving out cuz the issues just seem to be getting worse as now it looks as though he is actually talking to and really enjoying being around other women. what should i do?? how can i let him know i know without blowing myself up? this weekends going to suck when he goes with is friends cuz he will tell me hes fishing but i know the real story…anyone…please…advice…

-Grace from Albany, NY

Dear Grace,

Is this a joke? First off, the fact that your boyfriend raised enough suspicion that it caused you to snoop is red flag number one. The fact that you “caught” him twice is a double red flag. It appears that you lack a spine. Unfortunately for you he probably sees this and it is something that is a turn off to him. It’s hard for a guy to respect a girl that he is dating if he knows he can talk his way out of any trouble. Knowing that you are worried about what his friend thinks of you is another sign that you are lacking self confidence. You, read that again, you should be your number one priority. I think it’s obvious that this is not a health relationship and is ultimately going nowhere fast.

You need to move out, asap. Why are you worried about having to tell him that you read his text messages again? In reality you owe his no explanation, period. While he’s fishing for “snapper,” you need to start packing. Tell him he’s mistreated you and taken you for granted. If this guy really does want to be with you, and only you, your best bet is to be gone and show him what it would be like if you weren’t around. This is your only saving grace, Grace.

-The Date Guy

15 Miles Apart, A Million Miles Away

Dear Date Guy,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 7 months now. He is always gone and hardly has any time to call me or hang out. He told me when we just started this relationship that he would be busy and wouldn’t have a lot of time for me. We both knew it would be hard to keep in touch and talk at all even though the college I am going to is 15 miles away from him. His mom took away his phone b/c she thought that he called me too much so we only get to talk on the phone once a week, but lately, he doesn’t call me at all. The last time he called me was 2 weeks ago, and we haven’t hung out for more than a month. I haven’t talked to him in so long! I leave texts saying when I will be in his town so we can maybe get together, but they are left unanswered. I don’t really know what I am asking, i just want another person’s opinion. Are we over? Should I write him a letter? I wrote him a note once and he didn’t like the fact that I wrote out my feelings instead of face to face. What advice do you have for me Date Guy?

-Janice from Portland, Oregon

Dear Janice

I’m sorry to break the news to you, you seem sweet with a big heart, but in reality he’s on to someone new.

Take youself out of the equation and look at what you wrote from a 3rd person perspective:
- “lately he doesn’t call me at all”
- “we haven’t hung out for more than a month”
- “I text him when I’m in town but they go unanswered”

Stop telling yourself what you want to hear and instead focus on the reality of the situation. If he was serious and wanted to be your boyfriend, he would act like a boyfriend. If he loved you, he’d be going out if his way to spend time with you. Even if he didn’t have a car, a guy in love would ride a bike 15 miles to see his girl. And his mom took away his phone? Lame excuse, I can’t believe you believe it. If he wanted to talk to you, he’d do whatever it took, even if it meant borrowing a friend’s phone. How about email? Does this loser not have access to the Internet? There is this place called a library and they offer free Internet access.

So, to answer your questions:
“Are we over?” Yes.
“Should I write him a letter?” No, he didn’t appreciate it before, he won’t appreciate it now.

The excuse of not liking the letter because you wrote out your feelings instead of face to face is an excuse. All it did was probably deflect or put off him having to address the things you wrote about. For a guy, a good offense is a great defense. See, you got hung up on his excuse instead of the real issue, your feelings.

Save your self respect. Get out now. Don’t beat yourself up over it, realize it was an issue with HIM, not you. You’re in college? Now is the time in your life when you should be living it up, meeting new people, a moving on to a new phase of life.

-The Date Guy