Hi Date Guy,

My dilemma is this. This male friend of mine has ALWAYS acted like he had something for me without flirting. When we met, I was taken and so was, and STILL is, he. When I recently broke up with my boyfriend, I told him and he seemed REALLY excited. I thought he and his girlfriend would break up because they were already having problems. I told him I liked him, totally by accident, and he did NOTHING!!

I know he likes me, and even his male assistant, who REALLY knows him, told me that as a man, the way that he’s looked at me in the office, is not a look of lust, but real “like” for a woman. I’ve ALWAYS seen this look from him, but can’t understand why he won’t ask me out now that I’m available. When again it came out that I liked him, he said he didn’t believe it before because he thought it was just “rebound talk”. It’s not, as I DO NOT go from guy to guy, and things had been done with my boyfriend for years BEFORE we broke up. Does he or does he not like me? Were the signals (a look says it all) read wrong by me, his assistant AND an intern that saw EVERYTHING and was jealous of how he treated me? Please help!

-Sandra

Dear Sandra,

Sounds like you might be trying to make more out of this than there really is. Does he outwardly flirt with you? No. Has HE told you that he likes you? No. Did he ask you out after you told him you liked him? No. That’s three strikes, you’re out. If this was a case in a court of law it would be dismissed. Bluntly there is no hard evidence here, it’s all circumstantial. All you have is your interpretation of what it means when he looks at you.

Don’t get me wrong, it sounds like he is physically attracted to you. It’s quite normal for a guy in a relationship to look at another girl in this way (especially if he works with her) even if he is relatively happy in his current relationship. There is something exciting about having a mutual attraction but never having to cheat in order to experience that excitement. Who knows, he may even fantasize about you. But is he ready to end his relationship for you? Doesn’t sound like it. Let’s face it, when you broke up with your boyfriend and he really wanted to be with you, don’t you think he’d make his intentions a bit more obvious? Wouldn’t he fear that if he didn’t say something that you might eventually start dating someone else?

So I think I answered your question about whether or not he likes you. Let me offer you some bonus advice about what you should do. Now that you are out of a relationship its time to focus on yourself, not him. Do some of those things that you weren’t able to do when you were in your old relationship. Live it up for a while, there is no need to rush right into another relationship. And would you really want him to break up with his girlfriend because of you? Wouldn’t you want him to break up with her because he simply doesn’t want to be with her, regardless of who might be waiting for him. Give it some time, if he really is serious about you it will become more clear down the road. Meanwhile, you’ll have to assume he’ll stay in his relationship and there is nothing more you can or shoud do about it.

-The Date Guy

Just thought you girls might want to hear what some men’s magazines recommend when it comes time for a guy to break up with a girl. Here are some conflicting views from from AskMen.com and Maxim Magazine. One view is a bit kinder and more respectful approach than the other. I’m sure you’ll have no problem figuring out which one it is. Which one would you prefer if you were getting dumped? Personally, I recommend a combination of the two.

We’ll start with AskMen.com:

1. Make her the first to know. Out of respect for her, never tell your friends you’re going to break up before telling her it’s over. It’s a simple thing women consider sacred. (I don’t agree. Friends are great confidants and might be able to offer you advice or give you the support you need to go through with it. I don’t understand how this would be disrespectful to the girl.)
2. Find a neutral zone. It’s not fair to end the relationship at your place, nor should you be forced to see a picture of you and her hugging on her fridge. (I disagree here as well. If it an emotional break up, she’ll feel even worse if she breaks down in public. Better to leave the tears at home where she is more comfortable. And definitely don’t do it at your place, you could have a hell of a time getting her to leave.)
3. End it in person. If you’ve lost that loving feeling, be courteous and tell her face-to-face. (I agree. Email, phone, and text message may be ok…if you’re 11 years old.)
4. Keep it simple. There’s no need to put her through the history of your decision to break up. She does deserve an explanation, but save her the long-winded reasons of exactly why and how things went sour. (Agreed. The longer you talk the more ammo she’ll have to get you to change your mind.)
5. Get her to see your point of view. You’re probably not the only one that’s been feeling the relationship going downhill. A dose of reality might be just what the doctor ordered to get her to accept what it is you need to say — and do — about it. A good way to get her to understand why you and she aren’t best suited for one another is through a simple example. (No, no, no. For example, what if one of the reasons you want to break up with her is because she is lousy in bed? How could telling her this be of benfit to either of you?)
6. Don’t change your mind. There’s a big reason why you made the decision to confront her with the end of your relationship, be sure and stick to your guns even if she cries. Remember, you wanted to stop dating her for a reason. (Agreed, 100%)
7. Be ready for tears. Whether she’s glad you said something or not, chances are tears will be shed. Ending a relationship can bring intense emotion and she’s not about to save you from seeing it all pour out at once. When she does start to cry, be sympathetic but don’t be drawn in by an overflow of powerful emotion. Be an emotional rock. (Maybe. I’m on the fence with this one. If you throw a couple of tears in there yourself, she may let you off the hook a little easier.)
8. Have an exit strategy. Make sure to have plans set with friends later that day. This will ensure that the breakup process isn’t dragged on longer than necessary and that you’re not alone if you feel bad about what just happened. (Agreed. I would suggest making plans with family, not friends. Ditching her so you can hang with your buds may be a bit callous in her view. However, if you have to meet up with mom and dad for dinner at a certain time it will be more difficult for her to be upset with you for cutting out.)

And what does an article from Maxim Magazine recommend? Read the rest of this entry »

Some girls are clueless when it comes to pick-up lines, especially if they are subtle and don’t appear to be your normal cheesy line. This point was illustrated this afternoon as a guy struck up “harmless” small talk with my girlfriend at Starbucks. Here is how it went down. As she’s walking out of the place this guy comes up beside her and comments on the odd group of loud bikers that had congregated outside of the mega coffee house. He says something along the lines of, “Did you see that group? what’s that all about?” It’s an open-ended and non threatening question. Because she found the group odd as well, she responds something along the lines of, “I’m not sure what was going on, it’s kind of weird.” And there you go, the wheels were set in motion and a conversation followed and he eventually asked her out. When she told me about the exchange I mentioned it was a good pick-up tactic on his part. She seemed bewildered by my comment and responded that “he was just being friendly.” The fact that she seemed so oblivious to this sort of pick-up technique really surprised me and got me thinking that it would be a good subject for me to write about.

The exchange with the guy from the coffee house didn’t bother me one bit. First of all, I trust my girlfriend 100%. Second, I view it as a compliment when a guy finds her attractive enough to approach her in hopes of securing a date. It makes me even more proud to be with her and reminds me of how lucky I am to be with her.

So how do I know that this was a pick-up attempt? Well, I used that technique all the time back in the day and was quite successful at it. Striking up a conversation with a girl who you don’t know is very hard if you ask her a question relation directly to her. For example, if a guy approaches you and asks you how you are doing or tells you that you are pretty, it’s easy for you to see that he is interested in you which will (if you are not overly attracted to him) cause you to go into a defensive mode. On the other hand, if you approach a girl and make a comment that has to do with someone or something else (especially if that someone/something else was out of the norm), you establish more of a common ground and takes the pressure off of her.

Case in point. While in college, I found it very easy to meet and date girls who I shared classes with. My strategy was to simply wait until the teacher or one of the other students did something that was very odd. You know, the guy in the front of the class who raises his hand every three seconds and asks one bizarre question after another. Class is dismissed and I simply say to my target, “What’s up with that guy and all of his crazy questions?” Inevitable she’d respond something to the effect, “I know, he is totally weird.” Ah ha! The ice was broken and a we begin a conversation about something we both found interesting.  From there I could later transition into asking her about herself and roll that into asking her out. It gave me a chance to interact with her and make her feel comfortable with me before I showed interest in her. This tactic of mine was applied in many different situations (at a store, a bar, wherever) and increased my odds of getting a date considerably.

So next time a guy chats you up for what you think is innocent small talk, you might want to see it for what it might really be, an attempt to pick you up. Now this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, especially if you find the guy attractive. However, if you don’t, you may want to get out of conversation sooner rather than later.

I bring you another installment of Insider Information, where I share with you girls the stuff guys don’t want you to know when it comes to dating and relationships.

Tom Leykis may not be a household name across the country, but in California Tom is one of the biggest names in radio. Leykis is an outspoken  radio talkshow hosts out of Los Angeles who preaches to a massive amounts of the guys the finer art of scoring with women. We’re not talking about how to wine, dine, and treat a lady with respect. Tom’s philosophy is that the worse you treat a girl they more she will want you. In other words, when it comes to dating nice guys finish last.

I must admit that when I was in my 20’s and living in Southern California, I was an avid listener of his show. I found his unapologetic sexism refreshing and listening to him advise guys on the finer points of getting laid was motivating. Tom made it all sound so easy, a simple formula that would work wonders for getting women into bed and I along with the millions who listen to his nationally syndicated radio bought into it. 

Tom has boiled down his philosophy to what he calls Leykis 101 - “How to get laid with the least amount of effort.” I now share with you (at the risk of being lynched and having my testicle removed by an angry mob of males) the tenets set forth by the self proclaimed Professor. Be prepared, this list will probably make you angry but if you are dating a fan of Tom Leykis you now know what you’re up against. (I have added translation where appropriate)

-40 Dollar Limit: Never spend more than $40 on a date.
-Three Dates Rule: Stop seeing the girl if you do not get laid after the third date.
-No Means No: If she says no then, STOP, get your stuff, and leave. (see, he’s not all bad)
-Single Mothers: Never date single mothers. (you’ll always play second fidell to her children)
-Tabasco Sauce: After having sex pour Tabasco sauce into the used condom. (to prevent her from using the remnants to impregnate herself)
-Approaching Women in Groups: Never approach a woman in a club that’s surrounded by her girlfriends.(one of the other girls is bound to cockblock)
-Sex To Go: No spooning, cuddling, and or staying over after sex.
-Relationships: Do not get into a serious relationship before the age of 25. (I tend to back him up on this one. Unless a guy is mature enough to be in a serious relationship he should avoid being in one)
-Weekend Dates: Do not go out on weekend dates unless you are guaranteed sex.
-Cell Phone Dates: If your dates cell phone rings during the date then immediately leave. (sounds pretty harsh, but it would would be funny)
-After Hours Homely Pickings: The fugly women are the last one’s to get picked up. (fugly = fat and ugly)
-Birth Control: Regardless of what a woman says always use birth control. (another point of agreement)
-No Gifts: No gifts are ever given to booty calls and women you are dating.
-Beverage Consumption: Buy Hard Alcohol over Beer. (hard alcohol will get the girl drunk fast, increasing your chances of getting lucky)
-Types of Dates: Avoid lunch and or coffee dates. (you probably won’t be able to take a girl home after a cup of coffee, but you might be able to after a few shots at a bar)
-Jerks and Assholes: If women think you are a jerk, then your doing something right. (ie, nice guys finish last)

Oh yes, there’s more!  Keep reading… Read the rest of this entry »

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1 Comment

Dear Date Guy,

I’ve known my boyfriend for many years. We have been talking about getting married soon, I’m 37. I just found out he put an adult personal ad on a website and didn’t tell me about it. He didn’t pay for it so couldn’t contact anyone but I’m still upset about it. I confronted him and he is sorry but said he could have paid for the site and actually have met the girls but didn’t. What should I do? Thanks!

-Deb

Dear Deb,

First off, you’re letting your boyfriend get off the hook far too easily. As you wrote, “[he] said he could have paid for the site and actually have met the girls but didn’t.” Here is an analogy for you. You get pulled over by the police because you are driving while drunk. You tell the officer, “I might be drunk and I’m sorry, but if I were really drunk I would have gotten into an accident.” Now do you think that officer would let you go? Of course not. Your boyfriend’s defense is ridiculous.

Second, he’s surfing the adult personals for only one reason, sex (either real sex or just the fantasy of sex). The worse case scenario is that he’s proactively looking to have sex with someone besides you. The other option is that he’s getting off looking at girls that he “could” have sex with. For a guy, just “browsing” these sites can be exciting as it leads to fantasy. This is stuff he can be putting into his “spank bank*”. So either way, it’s not good for a relationship, especially if you are considering marrying this man.

My advice is that you confront him and push him on this issue right away. Although you didn’t mention any specifics about your sex life, it is obvious that there is something missing for him. Maybe it’s a lack of frequency, or a loss of attraction, or even his desire to engage in acts that you might consider too kinky. Regardless, you need to find out from him exactly what is unsatisfactory in your love life. And if he were 100% satisfied with you in the sack, then wouldn’t it be obvious that he wouldn’t want to look elsewhere now would he?

-The Date Guy

*A sexual memory or thought that a guy stores in his mind and recalls later to excite him during masturbatory or sexual activities

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