Hi Date Guy,

My question is basically about commitment. I’ve been dating this guy for 5 months. We met, had great chemistry, it was fantastic. We’re temporarily in different cities, so we’ve been keeping in touch via Internet. But, he is planning on moving back to this area soon. So, I thought everything was going okay and was surprised when he recently said he was sorry, but he wanted to let things cool down. He felt too invested with me and felt that it wasn’t fair to me to keep up like we have been because recently he’s been feeling interested in other women. He’s in a transitional stage in his life, he’s under a lot of stress lately, yada yada. Then, he actually finally did articulate that he’s afraid of commitment.

I have been thinking about it a lot, though… I hear ‘fear of commitment’ all the time, but I wonder if it actually exists. I’ve know of people who’ve broken up with their partner and insisted that they just aren’t ready to really commit to them. Then, these people will end up with committed with someone else in a matter of weeks! So, I feel like perhaps people just fear commitment when they don’t feel strongly enough for someone. But, when people meet the right person, their ‘fear’ of commitment disappears. So, I’ve just been thinking that I liked him more than he liked me and I just need to move on. (This is so hard for me, though… because this was the most incredible chemistry I’ve ever experienced. From what he had told me, he felt the same way. We had a great time). Now I can’t help but wonder: do you think people really pass up on promising relationships with people they truly like simply because of personal fear of commitment?

-Holle

Dear Holle,

You pose a very good question and you are right, “fear of commitment” is very often used as an explanation and justification for ending a relationship. And you are wise to understand that it is just that, an excuse and not a legitimate reason. Like you said, a guy will tell you that he isn’t ready to be in a committed relationship and then a few weeks later jump right into one with someone else. So let me tell you what’s going on the head of these kinds of guys.

First, for a guy the fear of commitment line is such a gem because it’s a hard one to argue against. As a society we have been conditioned (and somewhat backed by biology) that women yearn for committed relationships more so than men. And guys sure play off of that stereotype because after all, society has made it somewhat acceptable.

Second, when I told a girl that I had a fear of commitment, what I really meant was that I wanted to continue to see other girls (or at least have the option to do so in case the opportunity came about), not give up my free time and spend it with her, not have to spend a lot of money on her (unless I absolutely had to in order to keep you around for my needs), and to not have to be accountable for my actions. Basically I wouldn’t want to put in the effort that was expected of a true boyfriend girlfriend relationship. FYI, I would typically throw that line out there before I slept with the girl if I knew going into it that I wouldn’t want to see her long term. This helped easy my conscious because when the time came I would always fall back on, “she knew ahead of time that I didn’t want to be in a relationship.” But some guys aren’t as thoughtful as me and won’t reveal their “commitment” phobia until after they get some sex.

Third, addressing your remark about a guy telling you that he’s afraid of commitment, dumps you, and then gets in a committed relationship with another girl. It sounds very hypocritical, and it is. This action more than anything else proves that the commitment excuse is a load of crap. If a supermodel came up to him today and to be his girlfriend, do you think he’d says, “Sorry, I’m just have this fear of commitment and I’m under a lot of stress lately.” What it tells you is that simply YOU were the one he was afraid of committing to. And that could have been for a couple of reasons. Either you weren’t the right one for him completely, or you weren’t the right one for him at that time. Whichever the case, you as the girl cannot “fix” that or change his mind.

Girls, when you hear a guy tell you that he is afraid of commitment, run. Don’t try to rationalize it and feel like if you just wait around long enough that he will change his mind. When a guy finds a girl that he is really into, a girl that makes his heart skip a beat, he’ll never tell her that he has a fear of committing to her. It just doesn’t happen. What you can do is get out of the relationship immediately and move on. There is potential that down the road he may be ready to commit to you, but the odds are stacked against you and will only after he’s gotten everything out of his system.

So Holle, move on. Yes he told you that he shared the same chemistry you felt in the beginning, but now he’s trying to tell you in a “nice” way that he isn’t interested in dating you anymore. Maybe he’ll commit to the next girl he meets or maybe he’ll remain single for a while. Either way you can’t afford to stick around, and most of all, don’t read too much into it.

What have we learned ladies? The “fear of commitment,” like Big Foot, is an absolute myth. And you only believe it if you “want” to believe it. Instead open your eyes see it for what it is.This will save you a lot of precious time and energy and move you one step closer to meeting the right guy.

-The Date Guy

Maybe lady is the wrong word for this girl.  Bitch seems much more appropriate.  Although this video doesn’t provide much in the way of real dating advice for girls, I couldn’t help post it because of its pure annoyance factor. I would however give this guy some major advice and that is to not be a doormat.  The minute she balked at his $1,000 budget I would have walked right out of that store and used some of that money to buy her a cab ride back to the witch’s lair in which she lives.  Women, take note as her behavior is NOT attractive to a man.  Well, at least any man who has a backbone. 

However, if you can relate to this girl and would like to date a guy that will enjoy you for the golddigger you are, maybe you should sign up with Wealthy Men.com

Dear Date Guy,

I’ve been dating this guy for about two months.  I haven’t been exclusive to him, but recently he told me that I am the only girl he has been seeing or sleeping with.  The other night I went out with him, his friends, and his sister (who is a friend of mine).  He was really cool, holding my hand most of the night and acting like we were in a real relationship.  We left the bar and he was very drunk.  Sloppy drunk, staggering around the street.

Outside of the club he runs into this girl he works with.  I had my back turned on him while I was talking to his sister.  Next thing I know I turn around and the asshole is totally making out with that chick!  He was so drunk I don’t think he even knew what was going on.  But really, why would he do that right in front of me? I know he isn’t my boyfriend and I’ve been sleeping with other guys, but he was the one who told me that I was the only girl he was dating.  So I stormed off and he didn’t even come after me.  WTF?  To make it worse, he didn’t even send me a text trying to explain himself that night. 

He finally sent me a text message the next day saying, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you.”  And that’s about it.  I’m soooo pissed at him. I’m totally writing him off, but should I text him back? I totally want to tell him off, but is it worth my time?  Please advise me Date Guy.

- Bonnie from Toronto

Dear Bonnie,

I’m happy to hear that you are not going to put up with his complete disrespect of you. If he’s making out with another girl right in front of you you’re obviously not the only girl he is dating, no matter what he tells you. Since you are writing him off and don’t plan to see him again, I suggest you have a little “fun” with him and mess with his mind.

My advice is a little devious. Here is what you do. Send him a text back with the following: “It’s really not a big deal. I actually thought that girl was really cute. I’ve never been with another girl, but I wouldn’t mind sharing you with her for a night.” That’s it. He will get really fired up at the thought of a possible threesome (a guy’s wet dream). I guarantee you that he will text/call you back immediately to try to make the threesome happen. When he sends that text, just ignore him. Whatever you do, don’t write him back. This will drive him absolutely nuts. After that, I’m sure he’ll try to contact you yet again. In the end, you my dear will have the last laugh!

Hey, it happens to the best of you.  You know, when that “cool” guy who always invites you out for happy hour suddenly stops calling (or doesn’t return your calls).  You had some high hopes that this guy would could be “the one” or at least have some long-term relationship potential and now he’s completely blown you off.  As a guy who gets dumped, you quickly move on, hit the bars and bring some girl back to your pad.  You may sacrifice looks for willingness, but in the end a quick hit will help you get over being rejected by some other girl.  Our esteem is brought back, instantly.

For girls, the process is usually much deeper and longer.  Immediately hooking up with another guy may bring some temporary satisfaction, but you’ll still be asking yourself, “why did he break up with me, I just don’t understand, what did I do.” I stumbled across some advice written by a female that might offer you some comfort.  I don’t agree with all of this stuff so I’ll add some commentary of my own.

Breakup Food
Also known as comfort food, make sure you have whatever it is that makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside readily available. Ice cream, a favorite bottle of wine, some potato chips or macaroni and cheese – whatever works for you that does not remind you of the ex. Breakup food is not supposed to be a staple in your life for more than a week or so. But for these first couple of days, there is no harm in treating yourself to whatever makes you feel great. (Just don’t stuff your face for too long. Putting on some lbs isn’t going to help you get more dates)

Breakup Clothing
You are probably already wearing your comfort clothes, such as a well-worn t-shit and jeans or flannel pajamas. What you will need to plan for is when you leave the house: for work, to get groceries or to pay the bills. Find the easiest, most put together outfit you have that cleans well and slips on easily. This will be your outside wardrobe for this first stage. For men, try a pair of jeans that fit well a top and baseball cap. For women, a slip-on dress is an excellent idea. Sunglasses work as well, especially if you are trying to cover up swollen eyes from crying. (Sunglasses, I agree with that)

Breakup Journal
Whether it is for reflection at a later date or merely as a part of a burning ritual later on down the road, a journal is an essential comfort for the recently broken up. It could be as simple as a dollar store notepad or several pieces of paper stapled together, or as intricate as a handmade, leather-bound piece of art. (I know, you have to express your feelings. Just don’t get too caught up in it. The more you focus on the guy/situation, the longer it will take you to move on mentally)

Breakup Books
For those not quite ready to hit a counselors office, reading a breakup book from an expert is the next best thing. Whether it is tongue-in-cheek, how-to or supportive, there are a myriad of self-help books available for every breakup situation today, many of which are available at your library if you are not enthused about displaying a breakup book in your home permanently. Just don’t do it at your local Barnes and Noble or Starbucks)

My main advice for the recently dumped (female) is to not focus so much on the “why” you got dumped. This will consume far too much energy, you’ll probably never figure it out, and in the end won’t make you feel any better. Use the downtime to focus on yourself. Realize that it was his loss/problem, don’t take it personally, and get back out there and start dating.

This stuff I’m about to give you girls is golden.  There are plenty of books and emails floating out there by self-proclaimed “players” and “pick-up artist” who are giving advice to guys on how to pick you girls up.  Most of these writers are trying to help guys become cocky and confident in order to increase their chances of getting you into bed.  They aren’t giving dating advice or advice on long-term relationships, they are to-the-point with their objective, closing the deal.  So here is some of the advice guys are receiving these days and actions you may recognize with some of the players you’re meeting at the bars or at school.  Here is some advice guys have been given regarding Buying Things for Women (AKA getting laid without spending any money):

I can remember when I used to think that I needed to always take women out, buy them dinner, and pay for whatever I could think of to get women’s attention. It was really a horrible feeling. The worst part was that the more nice things I did for women when I first met them, the more apprehensive and “standoffish” they seemed to act. It was almost as if they interpreted my actions as ME TRYING TOO HARD, and they instinctively played “hard to get” in response.

The question of “Should I pay for dinner?” is as old as dirt. So let me answer it with one of my typical multi-part answers. And the first part of my answer is going to be
another question to YOU…

WHY WOULD YOU PAY FOR A WOMAN’S DINNER? And for that matter, why would you buy gifts and do favors for a woman that you just met and don’t know?

IT’S PROBABLY BECAUSE YOU WANT SOMETHING. And guess what? Attractive women are VERY perceptive. They can usually size a guy up in a matter of SECONDS.

She KNOWS what’s on your mind. And she’s going to take all the clues you give her to decide how much you like her… and how much of a WUSS you are as well.

Now I’m going to throw you a real curve ball…I have friends who are very good with women that take women to NICE dinners all the time. I’m talking two hundred PLUS dollars for dinner and drinks ALONE. I also have friends who almost NEVER take women out for so much as a cup of coffee… yet they have more women than they can handle.

Is this possible? Are the guys who are buying dinner actually SUCCESSFUL at bribing women with food?

Or do both techniques work? Read the rest of this entry »

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